This is beautifully honest and hard. I feel honored and blessed to read it as someone who values transparency but sometimes feels the need to hold back/edit myself for fear of sounding ungrateful or dramatic.
Oh Alice (🥹), hang in there. Remember that He sees every tear.
One day in France there'll be no, or at the very least much fewer, tears because He will do a work in you (and Ben), of that I have absolutely no doubt.
I can't wait to give you lots of hugs, in the meantime, you and Ben and les enfants will have to do it for each other.
And the children, while they will possibly find it hard to start with, they'll be fine. Children are amazingly resilient.
I know that you really do know all this, but sometimes we just need reminding.
Sending loads of hugs and bisous to my dear sister in Him. 😚😚😘😘
Personally, I find the phrase that kids are resilient unhelpful, but I think I know what you mean to say!
Kids are often able to get through really difficult times, but so often what we call resilience, or what looks like resilience, is actually kids shutting down and looking fine on the surface, because they've given up on asking for help, or don't think anyone can help them. The other common option is them lashing out with difficult behaviour, because it's the only way they know how to signal that they're not okay!
Traumatic events often actually impact kids more significantly than adults, partially because people often assume they'll be fine, but also because they have such a self-focused view of the world (so think it's their fault) and have less tools or power to change things/stand up for themselves to help them deal with it well! The event becomes a foundational "truth" that they embed in their life (eg "I had to say goodbye to my best friend and now I feel alone. I'll guess I'll always feel lonely and there's no point making new friends") and how they understand the world, vs a difficult thing that they know how to and can process.
I think what's potentially dangerous about that phrase is that if we assume our kids will cope fine, that resiliency is inherent for every child, that means that we won't do the things that they actually need from us to be able to cope and build resilience - like listening to how it's impacted them and giving them the tools they need to build resilience. And so yes, I think our kids are remarkably resilient, but I think that's a combination of personality, our prayers and lots of work - on naming and identifying emotions, writing goodbye books, developing grief routines etc etc
Also, if anyone wants a practical tool for processing trauma (with a capital T, eg witnessing a murder, or lower case t, eg a difficulty in their life that's become a trauma for them because of how unsafe or helpless they felt in the face of it) with kids, I've found Ulrika Ernvik's safety stories to be really useful! She's doing a training on it starting this week, I believe - you can email her for details.
Thanks Elizabeth! I'm sure he's doing a work in us, and that's an encouraging reminder. I'm not sure if it will involve less tears though, until Jesus returns at least, as even just the fact that our loved ones are split across different places requires occasional tears! I think living cross culturally inherently involves grief, and I think the work God is doing in me is helping me to express it well and truly believing that Jesus cares about it, rather than not having any
This is beautifully honest and hard. I feel honored and blessed to read it as someone who values transparency but sometimes feels the need to hold back/edit myself for fear of sounding ungrateful or dramatic.
I think your bag is FABULOUS.
Thanks Laura - I really appreciate your encouragement, and I'm also glad it's not just me who wrestles with this! And thank you, I really love it 🥰
This is so hard! We miss you too, and thank you for sharing all of it. You have captured the duality beautifully.
Thanks friend 🥰 I'm planning on writing another one soon about how communicating the highs of life here, too, which is also a challenge!
Oh Alice (🥹), hang in there. Remember that He sees every tear.
One day in France there'll be no, or at the very least much fewer, tears because He will do a work in you (and Ben), of that I have absolutely no doubt.
I can't wait to give you lots of hugs, in the meantime, you and Ben and les enfants will have to do it for each other.
And the children, while they will possibly find it hard to start with, they'll be fine. Children are amazingly resilient.
I know that you really do know all this, but sometimes we just need reminding.
Sending loads of hugs and bisous to my dear sister in Him. 😚😚😘😘
Personally, I find the phrase that kids are resilient unhelpful, but I think I know what you mean to say!
Kids are often able to get through really difficult times, but so often what we call resilience, or what looks like resilience, is actually kids shutting down and looking fine on the surface, because they've given up on asking for help, or don't think anyone can help them. The other common option is them lashing out with difficult behaviour, because it's the only way they know how to signal that they're not okay!
Traumatic events often actually impact kids more significantly than adults, partially because people often assume they'll be fine, but also because they have such a self-focused view of the world (so think it's their fault) and have less tools or power to change things/stand up for themselves to help them deal with it well! The event becomes a foundational "truth" that they embed in their life (eg "I had to say goodbye to my best friend and now I feel alone. I'll guess I'll always feel lonely and there's no point making new friends") and how they understand the world, vs a difficult thing that they know how to and can process.
I think what's potentially dangerous about that phrase is that if we assume our kids will cope fine, that resiliency is inherent for every child, that means that we won't do the things that they actually need from us to be able to cope and build resilience - like listening to how it's impacted them and giving them the tools they need to build resilience. And so yes, I think our kids are remarkably resilient, but I think that's a combination of personality, our prayers and lots of work - on naming and identifying emotions, writing goodbye books, developing grief routines etc etc
Also, if anyone wants a practical tool for processing trauma (with a capital T, eg witnessing a murder, or lower case t, eg a difficulty in their life that's become a trauma for them because of how unsafe or helpless they felt in the face of it) with kids, I've found Ulrika Ernvik's safety stories to be really useful! She's doing a training on it starting this week, I believe - you can email her for details.
https://www.safetystories.se/
Thanks Elizabeth! I'm sure he's doing a work in us, and that's an encouraging reminder. I'm not sure if it will involve less tears though, until Jesus returns at least, as even just the fact that our loved ones are split across different places requires occasional tears! I think living cross culturally inherently involves grief, and I think the work God is doing in me is helping me to express it well and truly believing that Jesus cares about it, rather than not having any